him
Every morning I wake up in my own personal hell.
I constantly feel like there is an elephant on my chest.
My bones ache.
I hate going out.
I’m always exhausted.
But he’s in my dreams, so I cannot sleep.
The tears come from no where.
Regardless of my location.
His name burns my ears.
The thought of him makes me nauseous.
I want to hate him so desperately.
I want to hate him so much that it makes me hate myself.
He broke me.
He abandoned me.
He lied.
But I still love him.
So much.
More than he deserves.
I should hate him for destroying me like this.
But I don’t.
I just miss him.
Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.
Same old heart break.
It amazes me how much power I let other people have over my happiness.
I have given a handful of people the ability to destroy me. Most of which do so repeatedly. Why have I let them have this power over me?
I still think of him every day. Whenever I stop whatever I am doing to busy myself, thoughts of him flood my mind. I surround myself with distractions to avoid the overwhelming feeling that engulfs me when I am most vulnerable. I work a full time job & on my only two days off, I clean. A lot. I have set things I must to each week. I do not have free time to remember- to mourn our lost love. But every now & then, I slow myself, just to catch my breath, & he sneaks in. It starts with a passing thought, then maybe a song, until I’m longing so strongly for him it hurts.
When I get the chance, I let myself indulge in him. I know it will get me hurt & in the morning my bones with ache with loss. However, those few brief hours that I am in his arms are so beautiful. The trouble comes when I fool myself into thinking that those few hours & the sweet nothings he whispers to me are a sign of change. I lie to myself without thinking. I want so desperately for things to return to how they once were that I convince myself that he is going to return to me- to be mine once more. But that is not how it works, no matter how desperately I want it.
I guess once one person falls out of love, there is nothing that can be done. You can reopen a wound as many times as you’d like, but it’s not going to stop hurting or change how it originally got there. It will hurt, bleed & take time to heal every time.
I owe a thank you to The Civil Wars for giving me hope for a love in the future.
(Source: Spotify)
