I’ve lived in this town my entire life, I know nothing else. As I was growing up, I dreamed of moving to somewhere better, simply because I thought this town was dull. As I’ve grown older, been introduced to more people here, the more I thirst for an escape.
This town is, in so many ways, a waste land. I cannot remember the last time I met someone here who I did not smoke weed. Maybe boredom is the source, but every damn person smokes pot, if not something more serious. I never thought I’d be in the situation where I’d have to tell someone, “no thank you, I don’t do cocaine.”
Recently, I began dating someone from Anderson who had moved and lived in Missouri for five years. He seemed to have turned his life around away from the stupid this things he was involved in while living here, so I took an interesting knowing he’d be moving back. A man who doesn’t smoke and lives locally is such a rare commodity that I knew I needed to pounce at my chance with him. He’s home now and has fallen fare from the thrown he had helped me place him on. He seems to flock to his old habits as a way from comfort in social situations. So my Prince Charming was better online after all.
I think I should start keeping an eye open for a sober man who actually wants out of this town for the same reasons as me. Not just because they’re bored and wanna get high in another town.
Every morning I wake up in my own personal hell.
I constantly feel like there is an elephant on my chest.
My bones ache.
I hate going out.
I’m always exhausted.
But he’s in my dreams, so I cannot sleep.
The tears come from no where.
Regardless of my location.
His name burns my ears.
The thought of him makes me nauseous.
I want to hate him so desperately.
I want to hate him so much that it makes me hate myself.
He broke me.
He abandoned me.
But I still love him.
More than he deserves.
I should hate him for destroying me like this.
But I don’t.
I just miss him.
Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.
It amazes me how much power I let other people have over my happiness.
I have given a handful of people the ability to destroy me. Most of which do so repeatedly. Why have I let them have this power over me?
I still think of him every day. Whenever I stop whatever I am doing to busy myself, thoughts of him flood my mind. I surround myself with distractions to avoid the overwhelming feeling that engulfs me when I am most vulnerable. I work a full time job & on my only two days off, I clean. A lot. I have set things I must to each week. I do not have free time to remember- to mourn our lost love. But every now & then, I slow myself, just to catch my breath, & he sneaks in. It starts with a passing thought, then maybe a song, until I’m longing so strongly for him it hurts.
When I get the chance, I let myself indulge in him. I know it will get me hurt & in the morning my bones with ache with loss. However, those few brief hours that I am in his arms are so beautiful. The trouble comes when I fool myself into thinking that those few hours & the sweet nothings he whispers to me are a sign of change. I lie to myself without thinking. I want so desperately for things to return to how they once were that I convince myself that he is going to return to me- to be mine once more. But that is not how it works, no matter how desperately I want it.
I guess once one person falls out of love, there is nothing that can be done. You can reopen a wound as many times as you’d like, but it’s not going to stop hurting or change how it originally got there. It will hurt, bleed & take time to heal every time.
I owe a thank you to The Civil Wars for giving me hope for a love in the future.